Summary: With or without good solutions, difficult encounters are
stressful. We can soothe ourselves and ease the strain with what we
tell ourselves and others. There's relief in accepting failures and
the limits of our power, not expecting fairness, charting our course
in advance of difficult encounters, and seeing the humor in the foibles
we share with our fellow human beings.
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A review of Relationship Skills
and Attitudes in Marriage and of Taming
the Beast in Us and in Them :
The first two parts of Difficult People Solutions emphasized our choice
to handle difficult encounters from our higher and wiser selves or to
swell the ranks of difficult people by letting our "lizard brain" instincts
control our reactions.
Noting that we are often our worst enemy, they encouraged stepping
back from the fray, not making things worse, disarming others with respectful
listening, and negotiating win-win solutions that link our own and others'
needs. A powerful and assertive wake-up call was included among the
practical methods described for implementing our best intentions.
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Contents:
1. Self-Soothing, Self-Talk, and Other-Talk
2. Handling Imperfection, Setbacks, and Unfairness:
3. Enjoying the Relief and Benefits of Powerlessness
4. Deciding Firmly and In Advance
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1. Self-Soothing, Self-Talk and Other-Talk:
The ideal position for handling people being difficult is to be stepped
back far enough emotionally and intellectually to avoid inhaling any
toxic fumes that could throw us off balance and our good intentions
off course. Inevitably, though, our best intentions to stay cool will
fail at times, and our fight or flight urges will be triggered.
At that point we are on the verge of becoming the second of two difficult
people escalating the problem. Clearly, we need to take care of our
own difficult impulses first. We need to say soothing things to ourselves
that might go something like this:
"Relax. Stay cool. Of course s/he has angered or scared me. That's
what difficult people do. I'm proud that I can see what's happening
and choose not to match nutty behavior with more nutty behavior. This
is not the time to blurt out my feelings. I can wait until I'm back
in control of myself.
I feel a little calmer already. Yes, I can control me! Let's see.
The simplest thing I can do for now is to acknowledge what s/he is
saying. That won't make things worse and will likely calm him or her
enough to buy me more time to think.
Here comes another wave of difficult words. Well, that was predictable,
and I'm ready this time. I'm glad I know these things come in waves
- second efforts to get me off balance and into a bunch of garbage
together. Nope, I won't go there. I'll just keep listening until this
upset person runs out of steam. Then we can both let it sit for awhile,
and I can plan calmly what I want to do or say next."
What we say to ourselves before, during, and after difficult encounters
is critical to how we'll feel and what we'll do. In both the short and
the long run, our internal words will either soothe our jagged spirits
or rile them further.
Self-soothing words can help us step back again, renew our higher
perspective, and regain control of ourselves rather than relinquish
control to our "inner lizard." Our internal words can also remind us
that success is far from certain with people being difficult and that
we have every reason to feel good about ourselves for even trying.
There is a great deal of self-talk going on in most of our heads,
and it is often so automatic and repetitious that it's barely noticed.
It can be very enlightening to stop and pay attention to what we're
telling ourselves and to notice its effects on our relationships.
We may discover ourselves "building a federal case" by telling ourselves
that we are the innocent victims of various slights or crimes perpetrated
by insensitive or downright nasty other people. That's one popular way
to indulge our lizard brains at the expense of our wiser selves and
higher resolve.
We also have the option to tell ourselves things that conjure up positive
attitudes toward those with whom we'd like better relationships. In
contrast to a federal indictment of another's motives, talking to ourselves
about their probable good reasons for being difficult will make them
and us feel and act more like friends and less like enemies.
Cultivating a keener awareness of another's redeeming virtues makes
it easier and more likely that we'll invite each other into less difficult
behavior. In counseling, I often encourage couples and other pairs to
remind themselves, "I know this person is basically good, reasonably
intelligent, well-intended, and important to me."
Also consider up-grading what you invite others to tell you about
difficult people. Enlist enlightened support. Tell a wise friend, counselor,
or coach about your plans to employ better solutions with difficult
people. Ask them to support your efforts to talk more favorably to yourself
and with them about the challenging people in your life.
Ask them to listen with patience and acceptance when you sometimes
need to vent your lizard-brain feelings and urges, but ask them to remind
you AFTER you finish venting of your new goals and intentions. Like
Dr. Jeckyl imploring a servant to keep Mr. Hyde locked up, ask your
supporter not to reinforce your own internal beast no matter how loudly
it snarls.
Remind yourself and your supporter that this is a decent, intelligent,
valued, and well-intended person who sometimes gets very upset and needs
you to help him or her feel and act better. Before, during, and after
a difficult encounter, talk about how fortunate and pleased you are
to know ways to soothe and soften this person and to make things easier
for both of you.
2. Expecting Imperfection, Setbacks, and a Lack of Fairness:
Nobody can do this stuff perfectly, and it's quite impressive when
someone can do it more often than not. Research shows that setbacks
are a standard part of the process for people who ultimately succeed
with challenges like giving up cigarettes, alcohol, or rampant immaturity.
Difficult People Solutions represent major changes, and setbacks are
a very normal part of the learning process. Cut yourself lots of the
same slack you're aiming to cut others.
And, give up expecting things to be fair. Difficult People Solutions
are a group of unilateral strategies for YOU to employ. For best results,
do NOT expect the other person to reciprocate very many of your improvements
- and certainly not soon. They probably don't know and likely will never
know or practice these solutions consciously.
If you depend on difficult people to change much, you'll be handing
half or more of the improvement power back to them, thereby putting
yourself right back where you started. If you keep the power to improve
things in your own lap, difficult people will generally improve some
because you'll be inducing better rather than worse inclinations on
their part. The primary responsibility and opportunity, though, remain
yours.
3. Enjoying the Relief of Powerlessness:
It is NOT your responsibility to be powerful enough to make
anybody less difficult any time any place. Accept and embrace the limits
of your power.
Powerlessness, the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous, is quite relieving
to the excessively responsible. Sadly, many good and highly competent
people never discover that because they are enslaved by the unrelenting
burden of having to be always competent, always right, and always good.
What a drag! To others and to themselves.
Ways to enjoy the relief and benefits of powerlessness include the
option to fail, accepting your limits, apologizing, asking for help,
asking for what you'd like, and enjoying the humor of our human condition.
As a counselor and coach, I prefer to succeed, but I also value highly
the option to fail. Accepting that there's no way I can always succeed
helps me work more comfortably in the day and sleep better at night.
I frequently recommend to the counselors I supervise that they embrace
the inescapable reality that none of us has the power to help everybody
all the time.
Paradoxically, accepting our limits actually makes us more relaxed
and more effective at the same time.
In your efforts to invite more positive responses from people being
difficult, it's key to know that you are ultimately NOT in control
-- that you're inviting, not forcing them to respond more favorably.
Being difficult generally includes some form of powerful resistance
to perceived threat, and attempting to shove that self-guarding resistance
aside almost always backfires.
Whenever a coach, counselor, parent, spouse, or friend works harder
than the difficult person targeted by their efforts, they are inviting
that person to harden their stubborn stance. By keeping handy the option
to fail, you help yourself transcend your inner lizard, and you create
a solution vacuum that invites a positive contribution from the other
side.
Without the option to fail, you may communicate, "I know everything
and can conquer all, including your being difficult, stinky, or lazy."
That will exhaust you and invite resentment, open battle, and/or passive
resistance.
An open hand extended for a shake was originally intended to show
that the hand was weaponless. Similarly, apologies and asking for help
show that our intentions are peaceful - that we are declining any power
to harm and are opening ourselves to the other's kind or unkind response.
This invites the other to be gracious, big, admirable and other potent
qualities that difficult people seldom enjoy. Some will surprise us
with quick positive responses. Some will remain suspicious to test the
waters and soften only if we pass the test.
Others will spurn our apologies or requests. Be prepared. Internally,
be stepped back enough from start to finish that you won't easily be
thrown off balance and into making things worse.
Saying what you'd like is another way to invite a giving response.
At this very moment all over America, one good person is asking another
where they'd like to eat tonight, and the second good person is replying,
"I don't care." Each is trying to give, but each is NOT saying what
they'd like.
You know the rest. You've been there. The first "hates making all the
damn decisions around here," and the second wonders, "What the heck
did I do?" Each is right. The other's being difficult - well intended,
but difficult.
Here are two simple solutions to that sad encounter. The first good
person says, "What I'd like tonight is to eat some place I know you'll
enjoy," or the second says, "I'd love Wong's Chinese or Juan's Mexican
if you're in the mood for either." Since it often is truly more blessed
to give than receive, offer others the more blessed end of the deal.
Say what you want and let them feel good making you happy. That'll make
both of you less difficult.
Last, but far from least, laugh. As the saying goes, the choice is
sometimes either to laugh or to cry.
Laughter is good for both our physical and our mental health. I laugh
a lot with clients. Partly because I enjoy it, partly because it's good
for both of us, and partly because humor's a good way to make and to
remember insights.
Laughter reduces pressure and makes it easier and a lot more fun to
rise above the crazies that make us all silly pains in the butt at times.
Humor sheds fresh light on dark moods and perspectives that keep us
stuck and grim. As a wise colleague likes to say, "A shared laugh is
the shortest distance between two people." That's only true, of course,
if they know that you're laughing with, not at them. If uncertain, keep
the funny to yourself - especially if they're holding anything sharp.
4. Deciding Firmly Prior to Difficult Encounters:
As in deciding to quit smoking, to eat less, or to move to Florida,
there is a huge difference between contemplating or "trying" to change
versus DECIDING to change. A half-hearted decision that you re-visit
each time you're facing difficult behavior is as precarious as a no-chocolate
decision that's open to debate every time you visit the mall.
Rest assured that nobody can MAKE you change. When I was a boy, my
best friend's mother cornered me and declared blindly and fervently,
"Nathan, it's time we stood up for our convictions whether they're right
or not!" She said that in Tennessee and never changed her mind as each
of her children changed their residence - one to Alaska, one to Hawaii,
and one to the local mental hospital. I reckon she proved forever that
nobody HAS to change.
On the other hand, I heard recently about a 5-year-old who told his
teacher at a stressful moment, "For Lent, I gave up crying," and he
was having some success! Don't fret. Neither his teacher nor his parents
think that 5-year old or 55-year old "big boys don't cry." He cried
at four other stressful moments that afternoon but did achieve his chosen
goal at least once. That a 5-year old could resist "losing it" one time
in five certainly shows that self-control is attainable -- once we make
the decision.
Difficult People Solutions come with a warning: "Don't try this at
home." Not, that is, unless you first DECIDE to step back, to be in
control of yourself, and to employ your higher self in seeking the win-win
results you want. If you do make the decision, make it well before you
enter the heat of your next difficult encounter.
You may wish to experiment with some of the ideas now and may find
some of the results promising, but be aware that the Difficult Solutions
approach will be far more effective overall if you are fully informed,
fully convinced, and fully prepared before undertaking any major projects.
In short, don't bite off too much change too quickly. First, re-read
Relationship Skills and Attitudes
in Marriage and Taming
the Beast in Us and in Them carefully and then decide
whether you can, will, or even want to undertake the shifts involved
in your beliefs and behaviors with people-being-difficult.
I wish you patience, persistence, and peace in all your most challenging
relationships.
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Upcoming FREE TELECLASS on Difficult People Solutions: I am offering
a FREE teleclass at 9:00 PM Eastern Daylight Savings Time (New York
time) on Tuesday May 1st. If there is sufficient interest, that class
may be followed with a short series of additional classes at an affordable
cost to participants. A TELECLASS is a class that meets by telephone.
Each participant is given a common number to phone at regular long distance
rates, and we are all are connected automatically through a "bridge
line" that enables us to convene and converse from the convenience of
home or office. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THE FREE TELECLASS on MAY 1,
please e-mail me (Nathan@divorcesurvivalguide.com or at his Ann Arbor
(734-572- 7276, #1) or his Southfield (248-208-9415) Michigan office)
and indicate your wish to attend. Also reply IF YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED
IN 3 ADDITIONAL CLASSES at an affordable fee. If you express interest
in either of these offerings, you will receive additional information
soon, including the number to phone.
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PLEASE FORWARD this issue to any friend, group, or acquaintance who
you think might find it helpful. Also, VISIT THE ARCHIVES at Divorcesurvivalguide.com
to read earlier issues on topics that have often been requested.
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PRIVATE COACHING is an excellent way to explore, monitor, and reach
goals. A 30-minute "free sample" of personal or professional telephone
coaching can be arranged by contacting Nathan Claunch by e-mail at Nathan@divorcesurvivalguide.com
or by phone at his Ann Arbor (734-572-7276, #1) or his Southfield (248-208-9415)
Michigan office. Nathan holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Princeton University
and has been in practice for over 25 years as a clinical psychologist,
marriage and family therapist, personal and professional coach, and
consultant.
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IMPORTANT NOTE: The material in this article is for informational
and educational purposes and is not a substitute for treatment of any
diagnosable mental health condition or a substitute for personal consultation
with a mental health professional. If, under your circumstances, you
are feeling more depressed or anxious for a longer time than seems normal
to you or to those who know you, you are encouraged to seek professional
help. Contact your state psychological or psychiatric association for
a referral. If you can't afford private help, ask about sliding scale
fees for evaluation and treatment at a local social service agency like
Child and Family Service, Catholic Social Service, or Jewish Family
Service.
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DIVORCE SURVIVAL AND BEYOND (TM) is the newsletter of Divorcesurvivalguide.com.
(c) Copyright 2000, Nathan Claunch, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
