Summary: As Pogo once said in his comic strip, "We have met the enemy,
and it is us." Our biggest challenge with difficult people is to resist
getting hijacked by our own powerful feelings and reactive behaviors.
Knowing WHAT to do is helpful only if we also know HOW to do it. Here,
we cover practical ways to put Difficult People Solutions to work in
everyday life.
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A review of Relationship Skills and
Attitudes in Marriage :
Very briefly, we noted that we are all difficult at times when overtaken
by our automatic "lizard brain" fight-or-flight reactions. It emphasized
our option to put our higher, wiser, and more evolved selves in control
by:
(a) Stepping back from the fray mentally and emotionally for a wider
perspective and wiser choices about how to respond,
(b) Exercising self-control and not making things worse,
(c) Disarming others with respectful listening and validation, and
(d) Negotiating win-win solutions that link our own and others' needs
and wants.
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1. Reframing Fight or Flight Urges:
Fight:
If Difficult People Solutions seem good in theory, but the ideas stir
up all kinds of internal objections, then you'd do well to give your
own objecting parts the same respectful consideration due any other
objector whose cooperation you need or want.
Reframing means respecting objections, yours or theirs, as partially
valid at least. Reframing assumes there's a "good reason" for the objection
and offers a link between that good reason and a better way to honor
it. The new way is better in that it honors the same good reason at
least as well, entails fewer problems, and offers bonus results.
An objecting part of you, for example, might fight against the idea
that it could ever be right to "listen to somebody who's verbally abusing
me." That objecting part might urge you to "demand respect with a taste
of their own medicine." To reframe that objecting part, you would agree
and welcome the goal of seeking respect as indeed a good reason for
its objection.
Agreeing sincerely, you would offer Difficult People Solutions as
a set of strategies for garnering respect with fewer down sides and
several bonuses: They inspire respect that lasts longer because it is
based more on admiration than on fear. They disarm others and replace
a contagious hostile atmosphere with a contagious friendly one. They
invite good will and cooperation rather than driving adversaries underground
into defiant and destructive behaviors. They make you assertive rather
than hostile or wimpy, and they're better for the physical and emotional
health of everyone involved.
Or, perhaps a part of you protests inside that "no responsible parent
would put up with that bratty whining." You can reframe and honor that
irritated part's good reason for objecting -- wanting absolutely to
discourage whining. Offer that part another way to discourage whining
- teaching your child to ask more effectively (first bonus) and to embrace
win-win solutions (second bonus): "I'm glad you're hungry at dinner
time, and it's okay to ask for a cookie. In fact, I'll gladly agree
to two cookies if you'll ask without whining and agree to eat dinner
first."
Your own and others' reluctant or nagging parts always have their good
reasons, and blowing off those good reasons will ultimately make them
and you more difficult.
What other examples of good reasons can you think of that lead to
your own or someone else's fighting behavior? If you can't guess their
good reasons, try asking... without whining.
Flight:
Flight is quieter but no less toxic than fight. Flight to the basement,
bar, job or even church is at best a short-term and an alienating "solution"
to difficult encounters.
One common pattern in marriage, parenting, teaching, supervising,
and dating is a fight person mutually frustrating a flight person. In
verbal exchanges it's often, but certainly not always, she who's into
fight and he who's into flight.
While she fights for the discussion she's convinced they both need,
he "goes away" (often with his physical body still looming) to seek
the peace he's convinced they both need.
His good reasons to escape include protecting his treasured autonomy
and avoiding divisive conflict. She fights against the abandonment she
fears and for the emotional intimacy she craves. Sadly, each makes the
other worse with the very efforts whose good reasons are intended to
make things better.
It would do much for the relationships of the flight-inclined to discover
the power of curious and respectful listening to soften a fighting-person-being-difficult.
With practice and a decent short-term memory, even a very anxious person
can hear and feed back the main points they're hearing.
The trick is to put your attention on the intense words coming at you
and to ignore the alarms swarming in your head. As described in Part
A, like a toreador two steps back from the path of a charging bull,
you needn't "take personally" what's being said. Instead, assume that
any sharp or desperate words are intended to penetrate your anticipated
stonewalling and will soften when you peek over the wall and listen.
Demonstrate your attention. Catch the speaker's eye, repeat back some
key words, especially feelings, and utter periodic listening sounds
or words like, "Umm, I see;" "You've got a point;" or "I'll think about
that." If asked your thoughts or feelings before you're ready to reply,
promise to think it over and to resume the discussion soon.
Specify when you'll talk again, and be the one to TAKE THE INITIATIVE
TO START THE TALKING. That will amaze, impress, and soothe most fighters
considerably.
In contrast, fighters frustrated with the difficult behavior of a
timid escapee can invite him into the open with friendly gentle inquiries
about his reluctance to talk and with appreciative responses to any
sharing of his hidden thoughts or feelings.
Major keys to success are respect for his autonomy and validation
of his good reason for hiding - his wish for peace on earth. It also
helps to accommodate and even join him in giving more weight to solutions
and agreements than to faults and failures.
Decide in advance whether you'd rather make him friendly or guilty.
You probably can't have both, certainly not within the same 72 hours.
It helps considerably when either is able to recognize and acknowledge
the other's good reasons: "I hear how important this is to you." [Reframing
her yelling and blaming as attempts to get heard and knowing she'll
get much calmer and nicer as soon as she feels heard.] Or, "Let's both
think about it and find a peaceful agreement after dinner." [Reframing
his visible urge to escape as his wish to avoid harsh conflicts and
to find peaceful agreements.]
Reframing makes it possible to understand and validate the good reasons
behind your adversary's favorite defenses, his or her favorite ways
to protect self against psychic pain. When we are friendly and accepting
toward another person's defenses we become more of an ally and less
of an adversary. Being "on their side" in that way, we build bridges
rather than wall.
Even at times when a "good reason" is not readily found, patient self-restraint
and persistent inquiry can pay off. Sometimes an agreeably good reason
emerges from the process and surprises you both at the end of several
rounds of inquiry.
For example, "I wish you'd drop dead," would make almost any "normal"
person want to attack with rage or run in tears. That fact makes it
a particularly good opportunity to surprise and disarm the speaker with
strong, persistent and curious inquiry or, as described below, with
a Powerful Wakeup Call.
Here's how the persistent inquiry might go: "I wish you'd drop dead?
"How would that make things better for you?" "You'd stop making me crazy."
"How's that?" "You'd stop telling me what to do every second." "And
how would that help?" "I could concentrate because I wouldn't be pissed
off every second." "And?" "I could do my lousy homework." "Sounds good
to me. I'll gladly stop telling you what to do if you'll show me you
don't need that anymore." "Good!" "Deal?" "Deal!"
When persistent inquiry succeeds like the above example, a major step
has been taken by both parties toward short and long term relationship
improvement. Mutual escalation of hostilities has been declined, and
an impressive invitation has been given and accepted toward win-win
conflict resolution.
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2. Hearty No's and the Powerful Wakeup Call
Difficult People Solutions involve responses that are well considered
and practiced, not automatic reactions with no thought of the results.
In general, they are less tough on the surface but ultimately stronger
by virtue of the better outcomes they create.
There are times, though, when restraint, thought, and planning lead
inevitably to a conclusion that getting tough is the wisest choice remaining.
Note that this is not a blind reaction but the result of thoughtful
observation and consideration.
Children, significant others, friends, bosses, ex-spouses, employees,
etc. may sometimes make it obvious that they are checking out whether
they can be bullies. They're asking the existential question, "Is it
okay for me to act like a jerk?" That's when it's time for a Hearty
NO and a Powerful Wakeup Call. To do otherwise simply feeds the bully.
When my youngest son was in nursery school, one child in the class
was checking out his bullying options. With the wise support of my wife,
Kevin rehearsed and then responded to the bully's next intrusion with
a loud and powerful, "NO, John, NO!" He made the limit abundantly clear,
and John never messed with him again.
Note that Kevin was not hamstrung with only the two choices of fight
or flight. He neither attacked nor retreated. Instead, he empowered
himself with an assertive and unmistakable NO.
In general, those who are most inclined to become tough quickly could
improve their relating with lots more respectful listening. Those inclined
to pursue reason far beyond reasonableness could improve their relating
with a few hearty declarations that they may NOT be treated badly.
Example: "I wish you'd drop dead!" "Stop!!! I don't talk to you like
that, and I don't ever want to be talked to like that again! That kind
of treatment is absolutely unacceptable to me. I give you respect, and
I expect it from you. Is that clear?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," is, of course, the response you'd like and may get.
Even if it's not immediately forthcoming, respect is likely to show
up soon in better behavior. Unmistakable notice has been given that
you will NOT be intimidated.
Which approach appeals most to you? Does it make sense that each could
be powerful and useful, depending on the people and the circumstances?
When and with whom might you improve your relationship by responding
more often with patient and persistent inquiry or with a powerful Wakeup
Call?
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3. Rehearsing Mentally
Research has shown that mental rehearsal can be surprisingly effective.
In some sports, detailed mental rehearsal can rival actual practice
in improving and maintaining skills.
Think how many people pay good money for physical exercise. Reframe
each anticipated or recalled difficult encounter as a free opportunity
to exercise mentally all the skills of Difficult People Solutions.
Verbalize both sides of conversations. Concentrate on exchanges that
are typical and likely to recur. Make detailed mental videos in which
you control your beast and tame the other's into snarling less or hiding
less. Visualize patient and powerful listening, validation of his or
her good reasons, and win-win negotiation.
Mentally practice reframing until it's more automatic to see through
to another's good reasons than to polarize. Rehearse scenes where your
higher and wiser self builds bridges rather than walls between you and
the important others in your life.
(c) 2001 Nathan Claunch, Ph.D. Ann Arbor, Michigan
734 663-9050
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There will be the third and last part of Difficult People Solutions.
It will address: · Self-Soothing, Self-Talk and Other-Talk · Handling
Imperfection, Setbacks, and Unfairness: · Enjoying the Relief and Benefits
of Powerlessness · Deciding Firmly and In Advance
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PLEASE FORWARD this issue to any friend, group, or acquaintance who
you think might find it helpful. Also, VISIT THE ARCHIVES at Divorcesurvivalguide.com
to read earlier issues on topics that have often been requested.
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PRIVATE COACHING is an excellent way to explore, monitor, and reach
goals. A 30-minute "free sample" of personal or professional telephone
coaching can be arranged by contacting Nathan Claunch by e-mail at Nathan@divorcesurvivalguide.com
or by phone at his Ann Arbor (734-572-7276, #1) or his Southfield (248-208-9415)
Michigan office. Nathan holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Princeton University
and has been in practice for over 25 years as a clinical psychologist,
marriage and family therapist, personal and professional coach, and
consultant.
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IMPORTANT NOTE: The material in this article is for informational
and educational purposes and is not a substitute for treatment of any
diagnosable mental health condition or a substitute for personal consultation
with a mental health professional. If, under your circumstances, you
are feeling more depressed or anxious for a longer time than seems normal
to you or to those who know you, you are encouraged to seek professional
help. Contact your state psychological or psychiatric association for
a referral. If you can't afford private help, ask about sliding scale
fees for evaluation and treatment at a local social service agency like
Child and Family Service, Catholic Social Service, or Jewish Family
Service.
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DIVORCE SURVIVAL AND BEYOND (TM) is the newsletter of Divorcesurvivalguide.com.
(c) Copyright 2000, Nathan Claunch, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
