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Religion

Typically, when we think about religion, we think about which church we grew up going to, we think about which denomination we most closely identify with, and we think about our beliefs about God, about Christianity, about the Bible, and about things like sacraments, prayer, etc. However, religion has to do with much more than all of that. Religion is about our deepest (conscious or unconscious) beliefs and ideas;  it's about how convinced we are... as to the way things really are both in this world and beyond this world. Religion is about what is most important to us; it is about our values and how we use our values to guide our lives.

• What or who is most important in your life?
  
  
• Using pencil and paper, list the the 5 most important people or things in your life!
  
  
• How do you spend most of your time?
  
  
• Using pencil and paper, list the the 5 people or things that take up most of your time!

A religious life is one in which we consciously sort out who and what is most important to us, then we dedicate ourselves to letting those most important people or things (this includes ideas, beliefs, goals, dreams, etc.) become the focus of our living. Believing in the existence of God or going to church somewhere may have very little to do with being religious.

There are some "key" questions to seek answers to in order to get clear about what is most important to you.

• What kind of life do you want?

• Do you have goals for your life? What are they?

• Do you know what your personal strengths, resources and potential are? What are they?

• Do you know what your personal weaknesses, liabilities and faults are? What are they?

• Who are the significant people in your life? List them.

• What are your choices or options in your life? List them.

It is important to consider and come to some agreement about denominational affiliation, church attendance/membership, doctrinal beliefs, religious training of children and so on.   However, it is the other, "key" questions, that have their roots in religion, that seem to be the sources of the most severe difficulties in marriage. Couples can be of the same denomination, go to the same church, agree doctrinally, agree about the religious training of the children and, yet, have marital difficulties because of differences over their answers to the "key" questions.

Have you, individually and as a couple, considered pursuing a consciously religious life. That is, a life in which you consciously sort out who and what is most important to you, then dedicating yourselves to letting those most important people or things (this includes ideas, beliefs, goals, dreams, etc.) become the focus of your living? It is the extremely rare individual, it is the extremely rare couple, that can pursue a consciously religious life by themselves. It is important to find support within groups of people who are also consciously pursuing a religious life ... a church, a study group, a support group, or other intentional group whose focus is on religious life.

Money

Questions about money in marriage are more than about dollars and cents. The questions have to do with: Who earns the money? How is the money earned? What money belongs to whom? How is the money managed and who manages it? How is money spent and on what is it spent? How much money is a lot of money? How much money is enough money? How much money is not enough money?

How you earn money?

Earning money has to do with answering one of the fundamental questions about your life: How am I going to employ myself... my abilities, potential, physical, mental, emotional an other resources? The answers to that question ofien do not come easily, particularly in the volatile economy of our state, our country and the world. A generation ago, a person could count on having one or two jobs in the same career or proffessional area during his/her work life. Now, a person can expect to have up to three dozen jobs in ten or twelvex different career areas during his/her work life. Working can be physically, mentally, and emotionally stressful... a person can work him/herself to sickness or to death. Have you considered your interests, abilities, natural inclinations in regard to how you will earn money?

The contemporary economy is such that, with rare exception, in order for a couple or a family to live at a comfortable level, bath spouses must work. Have you considered what it will take to allow both of you to work? The contemporary economy is such that a person needs to be constantly improving his/her knowledge and skills. Have you considered what strategies you will use to continue your training and/or education?

Managing money

Managing money is more than keeping track of how you spend money. Managing money has to do with making conscious decisions about how your spending will reflect your values ... what is most important to you. Managing money is about having priorities in spending money.

One of the first questions it is important for you to answer in regard to money is:

• Will I be the center of my universe (will I be seif-centered and/or selfish and/or greedy) and live my life only for my own benefit?

The second question is:

• Do I basically believe that there is enough of everything (including money) in the world to meet my needs and the needs of everyone else?

Your answers to these questions will determine your priorities in terms of managing money.

It can be strongly asserted as true that, if you consciously set aside a percentage (at least 5%. 10% or more is probably better) off the top of your earnings to help others (through charities, churches, or gifis to those who are in need), you will find it easier to manage your money. Why? it is because you have established values and priorities that positively effect how you look at money and how you spend money (this establishes item number one on your priority list, then its easier to decide on item two, three, four...). It makes you aware  of how much money you have and how you are spending it.

Most individuals, couples, families that have money difficulties do so because they do not have a carefully constructed budget that they follow with strong discipline.

• Do you have a budget? Do you follow it?

• Have you considered health and life insurance as methods for protecting your income and financial health? Have you considered auto and house/renter's insurance as methods of protecting your financial health?

• Have you considered consulting with a financial planner to develop a comprehensive money plan for you, your spouse, and your family?

• Have you developed a conscious plan for the use of credit ... especially credit cards?

• Have you developed long-term financial goals for you, your spouse and your family (home ownership, etc.)?

• Do you have a conscious plan for tracking your spending (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly)?

• Have you made conscious decisions about what is: mine, yours, and ours in your relationship?

• Have you considered how your personal habits effect your financial health ... have you looked at how much you spend on things like cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs?

• Have you considered how your hobbies, diversions or entertainment effect your finances?

• Who makes the decisions about how money will be spent? Who keeps the "books"?

• Which purchases are ones that need mutual agreement before they are made?
  
  

Communication and Sexuality

Sex tends to be an area of difficulty because most couples tend to too narrowly define what sex is. Sex is not simply an occasional act. Sex is an ongoing relationship. Our sex/gender (maleness/ftmaleness) is a major portion of who we are as human beings, and effects most of what we do and how we act as people. We find important expression of our sexuality in the totality of our relationships with others ... particularly the person with whom we commit ourselves in marriage.

Passion is the spice of sexuality (perhaps, the spice of life) and "making love can immensely exhilarating; however, passion is not enough to keep a relationship going over the long haul. lt is great to be lovers; it is important to be lovers; and, it is just as great and just as important to be friends. Friendship tends to be what holds relationships and marriages together "through the distance."

Marriage is not about two people who somehow "own" each other. Marriage is the beginning of a long-term relationship. A good relationship doesn't just happen, it has to be nurtured. A good relationship requires two people who are both willing to be basically honest, and who are both basically willing to give as well as take. Nurture requires talking and listening.

A good relationship is about exploration of one's self as well as discovery of the other person. It is about growing and giving the other room to grow. A good relationship is about generosity, not dependence or addiction. A good relationship is about respect, not abuse ... either physical or emotional abuse. A good relationship is about love... not only desire for the other person (especially physically), but a fundamental hope for the best for the other person.

A good relationship deals consciously with expectations and roles of each person in the relationship.

• Have you talked together about such questions as: What is a man? What is a woman? What is a husband? What is a wife? What is a father? What is a mother? Our parents efftct tile way we answer these questions.
• Have you met each others parents?
• Have you talked with each other about what is a good lover? Have you talked about what you want and think you need in the way of affection and sexual expression? Have you talked about your sexual orientation and your preferences? Have you talked with one another about what you think is "normal" sexuality?
• Have you talked about having children? Have you talked about family planning? Have you talked about whose will be the responsibility for birth control or other family planning strategies?
• Sex belongs to both members of the relationship, how will each of you exercise your ownership?

Obviously, it is impossible to cover everything about marriage in so few words. Please consider this just a beginning. Let these ideas and questions get you thinking. Please make a commitment to build a family library dealing with at least these three areas.