The holidays are here. The one-two punch of Thanksgiving plus Christmas
or Chanukah can make everything about divorce more painful and thus
more challenging. The poignancy of holidays and the remembrance of times
past call for reflection and grieving but also for an opportunity to
open to the new.
Our goal in this article is to offer suggestions for surviving the
holidays with as little stress and as much enjoyment as possible.
First, it helps to keep holiday expectations from getting so high
that disappointment is inevitable. Set realistic goals, and don't expect
to be festive at times when you're just not up for it. Don't get exhausted
by trying to make everything perfect for family, friends, or yourself.
Pace yourself. Include the children in holiday preparations so that
you're less burdened and they feel more included, whether it be addressing
holiday cards, baking cookies, or wrapping presents.
Know that you're not alone if you're less than jolly. It is very common
during and following holidays for people to feel sad or disappointed.
Accept your own and acknowledge others' less- than-joyous feelings so
that nobody feels down AND guilty about it.
Don't let the holidays "happen to you." Be pro-active and self- determining
by making plans that appeal to you. Consider starting a new holiday
tradition that fits the new family configurations and needs.
One of us made Saturday Thanksgiving a new tradition. Her ex- husband
had a large extended family nearby, and her children felt very much
a part of their dad's family. Wanting to spare the kids from loyalty
conflicts, Linda chose the win-win solution of doing Thanksgiving on
Saturday. The kids invited friends and neighbors as well as another
single mom and her kids, and they all came to look forward each year
to their new holiday. This Saturday Thanksgiving tradition has lasted
many years.
When the kids are with their other parent, do yourself and the kids
a favor; take good care of yourself. Otherwise, kids may feel guilty
and obligated to "parent the parent." Choose activities you can't do
as well with the kids around - like a leisurely warm bath or inviting
over a friend you see too seldom.
Stick to your drinking limits and to your spending limits to avoid
physical and financial hang-overs. Find holiday activities that are
free, such as driving around to look at decorations. Consider nonmaterial
gifts such as a "coupon book" of future favors for friends or family.
Volunteering to help someone else often helps people feel better. Churches,
missions, homeless projects, and the like need people to feed and help
people during the holidays. Volunteering can get you out of the house
and out of yourself for a good cause.
Be aware of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.). These "winter blues"
result from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter. If you
suspect that you are among the 11 million who are affected, consult
with a mental health professional or your physician. Women are 4 times
more likely than men to suffer from S.A.D.
For the adult who is divorced and without kids, the holidays can feel
like an invitation to return to the parental home and to be drawn into
the old scripts and patterns of childhood. If you go home, prepare yourself
in advance and arrange your schedule to enjoy the best and to avoid
the worst of what it can mean to return home for the holidays.
And don't forget about January. Post-holiday doldrums are even more
common than holiday blues. Maybe this would be a good time to contemplate
some New Year's Resolutions in advance. Maybe this would be a great
January for joining a support group, book club, church or synagogue
group, etc.
Our next newsletter on, "The Power of Goals Plus Support," will address
making resolutions and setting goals that will last beyond New Year's
Day and move you faster and further ahead than any you've set in the
past. Inertia, anxiety, and discouragement needn't keep you stuck. January's
a great month to undertake personal growth, and a powerfully led and
supportive group is a great vehicle for establishing and accomplishing
important goals that will move you ahead in the next year. Consider
investing time and an affordable fee by joining the multi-session telegroup
group that Nathan will be offering in January. There will be more information
on the group in our next newsletter. We hope that your holidays will
be peaceful and satisfying to you and yours... Linda and Nathan (c)
2001 by Nathan Claunch, Ph.D. Owner & Publisher Ann Arbor,
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PLEASE FORWARD this issue to any friend, group, or acquaintance who
you think might find it helpful. Also, VISIT THE ARCHIVES at Divorcesurvivalguide.com
to read earlier issues on topics that have often been requested.
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PRIVATE COACHING is an excellent way to explore, monitor, and reach
goals. A 30-minute "free sample" of personal or professional telephone
coaching can be arranged by contacting Nathan Claunch by e-mail at Nathan@divorcesurvivalguide.com
or by phone at his Ann Arbor (734-572-7276, #1) or his Southfield (248-208-9415)
Michigan office. Nathan holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Princeton University
and has been in practice for over 25 years as a clinical psychologist,
marriage and family therapist, personal and professional coach, and
consultant.
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IMPORTANT NOTE: The material in this article is for informational
and educational purposes and is not a substitute for treatment of any
diagnosable mental health condition or a substitute for personal consultation
with a mental health professional. If, under your circumstances, you
are feeling more depressed or anxious for a longer time than seems normal
to you or to those who know you, you are encouraged to seek professional
help. Contact your state psychological or psychiatric association for
a referral. If you can't afford private help, ask about sliding scale
fees for evaluation and treatment at a local social service agency like
Child and Family Service, Catholic Social Service, or Jewish Family
Service.
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DIVORCE SURVIVAL AND BEYOND (TM) is the newsletter of Divorcesurvivalguide.com.
(c) Copyright 2001, Nathan Claunch, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
